Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
