Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
