we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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