if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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