Your mouth is God's brothel.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
