My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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