i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I could fuck to npr.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
