im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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