I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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