Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
