she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
