he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
