She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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