Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
