The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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