I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
