you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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