You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
