You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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