Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
