I'm going to jail i love you
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
