I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
