WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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