Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
