My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
