Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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