I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
