don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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