i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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