Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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