I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
