dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
