she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
