Soap is not a condiment
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
