guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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