so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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