True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
