anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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