I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
