I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My life is pants optional.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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