separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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