he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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