cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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