My friends, they love my intelligence
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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