i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You made out with two different species that night
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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