i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
