i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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