So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
