I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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