I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
