He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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