Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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