Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
