god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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