so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
