I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
